A Touch of Warm Gold

Then there are days like today.

I thought it was going to be Hell. Rosemarie was in the smaller lounge and it was crowded. The carers announced that supper would be served there rather than in the larger lounge with the proper tables (of which more another time). As well as the complement of Walkers criss-crossing the floor there were two very vocal residents performing: a woman shrieking in Greek and banging her small round table with cups, plates and cutlery, and another woman moaning constantly. And by that I mean a long, loud 'ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!' at the top of her voice, lasting four of five seconds and repeated after a couple of seconds break. Add to that the television on quite loud (Deal or No Deal - no doubt chosen by and for the staff) and the usual soundtrack of banging and clattering associated with serving food.

Just the sort of combination guaranteed to distress Rosemarie.

She wasn't troubled at all and seemed to find it funny.

She pointed at the Greek lady and pulled faces and blew raspberries at her. She pointed to the moaning woman and laughed and imitated her. She leaned close to me and whispered something confidential but unintelligible in my ear. She ate her supper eagerly and even made small attempts to feed herself.

Her favourite carer has returned from a long holiday and it was she who took Rosemarie to her room after supper and with help got her ready for bed. Because I am a man I am not allowed to be present for this (except on very rare occasions when I am needed to help) so I stood outside the door listening to chatting and occasional laughter from the carers.

When I went in she was lying calmly on the bed and smiling. I put the ballet DVD on and got out the chocolate and started feeding her buttons.

She was in a lovely mood, smiling and telling me she loved me and giving me endless kisses. This wasn't the desperate and accusatory '[but...] I love you' accompanied by tears or sobbing that I often get - this was warm and loving and although no more lucid than normal the intonation was clear.

We spent a long time telling each other how much we loved each other and sharing soft warm kisses. She seemed calm and, as far as I could tell, happy.

I had forgotten it could be like this.  I seem to have endured so much darkness, so much sadness. A brief glimpse like this was like a shaft of golden light.

As I drove home I could feel my hot eyes struggling to hold back the tears.

I don't expect it to last. It could be completely different tomorrow. But now, here, tonight....I will take what I have been given.