Future Echoes

Rosemarie's emotional roller coaster continues but there is a new aspect which brings a chill to my heart.

Over the past week or so, when she has been changed and put to bed in the early evening, she will mostly continue to chat, cry, be angry or agitated and writhe and wriggle on the bed. But occasionally, and increasingly, she will relax into an almost zen-like calm, lying there gazing into space, at one of the pictures, or maybe at the TV (showing one of her ballet DVDs). If I stroke her hand she does not respond. If I talk to her she may react as if in a dream.

Something tells me this is not an improvement.

It is like a large, heavy, cold weight in my stomach. I have got used to coping (just) with her agitated interactions, but at least there was the attempt, even if I can't understand more than a tiny fraction of what she says. I notice I have been clinging to that. I knew there would be a next stage - nobody would pretend to know what it would be or be honest enough to tell me (the mantra is, "Every case is different") but I am having an icy premonition that I will see  more of this and sooner rather than later.

I really don't want that. I really, really don't.

I feel horribly unprepared for it. It will herald a new kind of loneliness and sense of loss. I think it can be distressing to sit with her at the moment, when she is urgently trying to communicate something or sobbing or angry, but the thought of sitting with her for hours when she doesn't respond to anything.... I don't know how I will deal with that.

I don't feel very strong at the moment.