Speak To Me

The decline of speech has been rapid and tragic.

It began almost innocuously with the common failure to recall a word or name. We all have that from time to time.

The next stage was a repetition of syllables, usually at the end of the sentence - "That's what I was thinking-ing".

This deteriorated further and the syllable repetition started to replace important parts: "What is the the thing ing that that and and there?"

For a while we could clarify the communication by slowing everything down - taking a breath between words and concentrating on the diction - but eventually (quickly really in retrospect) that stopped working.

The next stage was what the Speech Therapist called 'empty sentences':
"When can can the srf nrn wuz wuzza spern ter can dn dn rhf thf thf sn fra drn?"
Try unpicking that.

This clinical description distracts from the tragic consequences we both felt. Communication is such a big part of being human that there is an sense of aching loss as it disappears. It is frustrating and very quickly exhausting trying to understand even a basic sentence.

She obviously feels she is saying what is in her head. It is another example of an automatic function that is now not working properly. Thinking about it, I don't consciously say all the words of a sentence. It is much more like I work out what I want to say and press the linguistic equivalent of the Print button and expect the fully fashioned sentence to come out my mouth. It doesn't seem to be possible for her to take direct control of this process any more. All she can do is press the Print button again and hope something different comes out.

She also seems to find it almost impossible to restart a sentence half way through. I repeat the part I did understand and hope that she can restart from there, but she has to start again from the beginning.

There are a couple of interesting exceptions to this. One is when she is talking about something she is really passionate about (Ballet or children for instance) although this is less true than it was. The other is when she is angry with me.

Failure to communicate is one of the most direct routes to feelings of isolation and the emotional exhaustion, the feeling of upset and frustration, and the helplessness in the face of another person's need is hard to cope with.

Another Challenging Sunday

Necessarily short because I am having too write this on the slow and poorly designed Apple iShit.

Another Sunday that began with love and cuddles and included being punched and scratched and a full mug of tea thrown over the floor. Purple nails. I forgot how much trouble they caused last time. I don't know what it is about the colour - other shades of nail varnish cause no problems - but if she eats anything with her fingers she is convinced it is some rotten purple food and will not put it in her mouth. 


I can't work with this crap. I will continue tomorrow when I can use a proper computer.

Some six weeks later....

Well I had the best of intentions. A lot has happened but let me try to do it in some kind of order...

Purple nail varnish.

"What's wrong with the food?" I say.

"Look", she says, pulling a bit of food loose between her fingers. "See?"

I take it from her fingers. "What? There is nothing wrong with it."

"LOOK",  she takes it from my hand and points at her nails.

"That's your nail", I say.

"You eat it then!" she cackles.

I take the food from her fingers and put it in my mouth.

"YOU ARSEHOLE!" short hard laugh. She leans forward, picks up a full cup of tea and deliberately empties it over the floor.

All suggestions gratefully accepted.